- On Monday night I watched the season premiere of The Bachelorette. (Big Love is over, and Grey’s Anatomy isn’t aired on Mondays. A girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do.) This is unrelated, but my early bets are on JP, Ryan P., and West.
- I went to a wedding in Wisconsin this past weekend, wherein I watched two friends get married after dating for almost 10 years (!!!!!).
- At the wedding, I saw a friend from college whose date was a guy she met online. He was super cool, and they were so sweet together.
- The online couple reinforced my belief in the power of relationships that start online – like my relationship with Agent Owens (yup, we met on match.com!). It was a very love-filled, romantic weekend.
- It’s spring in NYC. This is the season of drinking wine in the park and going for romantic strolls. Well, if it ever stops raining for longer than 2 days, it will be that season.
Bottom line: love is in the air. And so, I thought to myself, “Self, what better time to talk about dating life in NYC?”
Everything is different done differently in this city, including dating. This is not the kind of place where a guy rolls up to a girl’s house and drives her on a date. This is a city where you take the subway to the restaurant – or a taxi, if you’re really feeling spiffy. If you’re a girl, you may very well have your high heels thrown in your purse and you’ll have to stop a block away from the date place to change out of your “walking shoes”. As for the location, you have an overwhelming number of restaurants and bars to choose from, and the ambiance of the place you pick could well set the tone of the date. And, before we get too far ahead of ourselves, there’s the issue of actually trying to find that one great person who makes your heart skip a beat, in such a mass of humanity. This can seem virtually impossible. So, the rules are different.
In my humble opinion one of the easiest ways to meet potenial partners is at school or work. However, eventually college ends, and sometimes your working world consista of a company of 8 people (like mine), with no dating options. Hell, I’m sure some of you at companies with 1000+ employees still think the pickings are slim!
Then, there’s the bar scene. But it’s nearly impossible to imagine a future with a man who’s slurring his words or puking on your shoe.
A third matchmaking option is that you could have a friend set you up. Of course, if it doesn’t work out things can get awkward fast. This is all starting to sound exhausting, isn’t it?
Enter, online dating. There used to be a real stigma attached to this method of meeting a mate, but now, it’s quite commonplace. And in the city, it just might be the best option. Let’s be real here. City people like to get shit done. We move fast; we work late; we keep our smart phones attached to our bodies; we squeeze in social engagements; we knock you over if you’re walking too slowly; and we certainly don’t have time to mess around with culling through the millions of other residents of this town just to find a decent date.
Online match-making was made for us city-dwellers. One can go online, pick the exact characteristics that they’re looking for in a partner, weed out the weirdos, and schedule as many dates as they’d like, with no string attached. You can complete this whole search process from the comfort of your couch, and you can get messages from people directly to your email account. What could be easier?
Intersted? Here’s my advice after about 9 months, 50+ dates, and countless communications on match.com:
Step 1: pick a website
As time goes on, the options for internet dating sites are becoming more numerous. Depending on what you’re looking for, you might choose from one of the following well-known dating sites:
- Match – good for high volumes of members
- EHarmony – tends to be Christian-based, and makes matches for you
- JDate – the best known Jewish singles site
- OkCupid – free!
- Lavalife – geared toward enjoying the single life
- Zoosk – creator of the commercial with the dart thrower (my friend Joe and I watch this commercial over and over and over again. “I’m getting’ stupid loose.”)
Step 2: make a profile
The site will prompt you to fill out a profile, and this public description of yourself will likely change over time. As you get into reading other people’s profiles, you’ll likely discover the best ways to present yourself, as well. Highlight your best characteristics and the aspects of yourself that you consider important. And most importantly, try to convey your own voice. It’s easy to sound generic in these biographies.
Also, make sure you post photos that are flattering, but realistic. No one wants to see how cute you looked 10 years ago. They want to see what you look like now.
Step 3: search for matches or sift through the matches your site has turned up
Depending on the site you use, you’ll do some combination of searching on your own and filtering match results that the site generates. Whether your matches are computer-generated or self-selected, make sure you’re realistic about what you like and don’t like in each profile you view. If something seems “off”, move on to the next person. If you find someone you like, contact them. Throughout your time on the site, you’ll get more savvy at filtering through the available members, and you’ll be less apt to hum and haw about sending an email or setting up a date.
Step 4: make contact
Depending on the site you’re using, you’ll be able to make contact with the people you like via email, phone, text, wink, chat, etc. Do what feels comfortable. Try to get a feel for what the person is like. On the other hand, don’t judge them too harshly for being awkward at first – afterall, talking to strangers is universally recognized as being extremely difficult for at least 50% of the population. Like how I just made up that statistic? Yea, makes me sound like I know what I’m talking about.
Step 5: go on a date
If there is one thing I would warn against, it would be endless strings of emails. If you like someone based on their profile and their first couple of emails, go out for a drink with them. You can waste so much time emailing back and forth with someone, only to find out when you meet them that they’re nothing like you thought they’d be. Trust me, I know this from experience. Meeting someone face-to-face will be the most efficient way to find out if they’re someone you’re interested in.
Also, you may be wondering why I said you should go get a drink. Here’s the theory: coffee dates can end up being very platonic and non-intimate; dinner dates will trap you at a table too long, especially if you wind up not liking the other person after minute 3; and hookups on the first meeting are just slutty. You may be considering some more alternative type of date, but I’ll warn you against a few things:
- Even if you’re a great chef, don’t cook for the person – they shouldn’t know where you live until you know them a little better.
- Sporting events might seem great, but 9 innings of baseball is a long time to make small talk.
- Concerts and movies are entertaining, but you won’t be able to talk with the other person much at all.
Drinks are ideal. Even if you don’t drink, you can have a non-alcoholic beverage. Either way, it will be short, sweet, and to the point. Then, if you happen to have landed a date with Prince(ss) Charming, of course you can go out on a longer/cooler date after the drinks meeting.
Agent Owens and I actually ended up on a dinner date the first night (because I had another drinks date planned for earlier that same evening, hehe). Here’s how it went down: I talked his ear off for the entire evening and then somehow also convinced him to get drinks with me after our meal. I thought he didn’t like me because he wasn’t really saying much, but it turns out I was taking up every minute of the date with MY talking. Anyway, that was years ago. Not that anything’s changed – I still talk his ear off, and he still hopes I’ll give myself a sore throat so that he can get a word in.
I will say that in nearly every instance of dating someone I’d met on Match, I found myself with a nice and respectful person. Even though most of the guys weren’t right for me, I was lucky enough that no one was ever a complete disaster. For me, I scanned the male-membership for tall, non-pale, non-Republicans. Once I found someone I liked, the preliminary conversations and emails really only established that the person was intelligent enough to put together a full sentence. Then, I’d plan a date. I made dates pretty fast and furiously, believing that sheer quantity would get me a better chance of finding a great guy.
I ended up dating one guy from Match for a couple of months, and then I met Agent Owens. We’ve been together ever since. So, I’m going to go ahead and pat my own back here for being an online dating success. The dirt is being brushed off my shoulder as we speak. That said, here are my NYC online dating TIPS!:
- Find the right site for you. Research a bunch – they all have different costs, different search methods, and different standard operating procedures. Most importantly, they all attract a different type of member.
- Be yourself – in your profile and in person. Sounds cheesy, but if you’re an opinionated chatterbox like me, you may as well portray that from the get-go and end up with someone who
likesputs up with those qualities.
- Be honest with yourself about what you want. Don’t settle for someone just because they’re good-looking. If there’s a glaring red flag (like they’re uber-religious and you’re a confirmed atheist), don’t expect them to change for you. This is your chance to hand-pick someone who is exactly what you’ve always been looking for. Take advantage.
- Pick public places for dates. Safety first.
- Always make the first date a drinks date (see above for the reasoning).
- Tell a friend where you’ll be on your dates. This helps for safety purposes, and it also give you someone who can help you out with a fake-emergency call if the date is truly tedious. My friend Karen knew every date I ever went on while I was a member of Match and always checked on me to make sure things were going ok. What a gal. She’s actually getting married to a guy she met online, later this year. He’s a gem, an I’m sure this is her good karma for being my date support for all those months.
- Don’t be afraid to actually make dates and meet people. It is much easier to form an opinion of someone in person, and you’ll waste less time than if you email back and forth a ton of times.
- When you do email people, do NOT send generic form emails. It’s a big turn-off when you’re the recipient of a note that you can tell has been sent to 50 other people. Take the time to be genuine and mention something that you liked or noticed in the other person’s profile.
- If you go on one or two dates and realize you don’t really like the person, text them a nice note to let them know you’re not interested. Don’t drag people around on dates that aren’t going anywhere. Personally, I used to say “Hi! Just wanted to thank you for the date last night – it was really nice to meet you. Unfortunately, I just don’t feel the spark I wanted to feel. Hope you find someone great, very soon, though!” To the point, but kind.
- If you find the perfect person, on your 5th date or your 50th date, don’t hold yourself back. Don’t play games or be emotionally unavailable. Just go with it, and enjoy.
Images: Rebecca for Happy City Living